


Solace

by Raineishida



Category: Dragon Age: Inquisition
Genre: Cassandra has been elected Divine, Cole knows too much, Cullen is off lyrium, Everyone is gunning for Lavellan to date Cullen, F/M, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, I need this after any Bioware game, Lavellan was with Solas, Past Relationship(s), Post Game, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Slow Burn, This is romantic fluff with little to no tragedy involved, spoilers for end game
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-29
Updated: 2015-07-18
Packaged: 2018-04-06 21:19:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 17,227
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4236993
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Raineishida/pseuds/Raineishida
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cullen has loved Seron Lavellan since they rallied together to save Haven. He bowed out when she pursued Solas, but now that Solas is out of the picture he wonders if he'd ever have a chance.</p><p>Cole is insistent to Lavellan that Cullen would be good for her, that they would be good for each other. But can Lavellan let go of the past and look towards a bright future?</p><p>Cheers to TCRegan for basically figuring out how to end this fic.</p><p>NOTE: This fic was written BEFORE TRESPASSER.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_I didn’t fall in love with you._  
_I walked into love with you, with my eyes wide open, choosing to take every step along the way._  
_I do believe in fate and destiny, but I also believe we are only fated to do the things that we’d choose anyway._  
_And I’d choose you; in a hundred lifetimes, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality, I’d find you and I’d choose you._

_where do you go when home is a person who isn’t here anymore?_  
\- p. vallejo (via wordsnquotes)

 

She wanted to visit her clan again. It had been some time since Cullen’s men had helped protect them from the attack, and they’d survived the fight. Now Lavellan was ready to visit with them again, to both see Keeper Istimaethoriel and make sure her clan was alright. It was her duty as First to check on them, even if she still was committed to the Inquisition.

She chose a small party, Cassandra, Cole and strangely enough, Cullen, who had insisted he accompany her, his men having been the ones to help her clan in their time of need. She didn’t require a lot of convincing and agreed to let him join their party for the journey to the Free Marches. 

Cassandra had been elected Divine, but spent all of her downtime in Skyhold before she left for her service. She’d been anxious to go travelling with Lavellan, and had all but begged her to take her with her whenever she left Skyhold.

Cole fit in strangely well with her clan when they arrived, though Lavellan knew he was hiding himself among them. Still, it was nice to see him mingling about, smiling faintly as he studied everyone he came across, recognizing the people she’d told him about.

Unlike Cole, Cassandra and Cullen were visibly uncomfortable. Lavellan made eye contact with Cassandra and nodded to her for reassurance, and the warrior woman seemed to relax a little. Cullen, for his part, remained increasingly unable to hide his unease.

Lavellan sighed. Perhaps some people never change.. Still, she could sense the hunters hidden in the surrounding trees and knew they wouldn’t attack while she was there. Not unless given the order.

Keeper Dashana Istimaethoriel approached her with open arms and embraced Lavellan tightly. “It gives me great joy to see you well, da’len.”

“And you, Keeper Dashana.” Lavellan smiled as her Keeper held her back at arm’s length to look at her. 

“You look -” The Keeper’s pause filled Lavellan with fear. She suddenly realized this had all been a terrible mistake.

“Da’len, what has happened to your vallaslin?”

Lavellan paused, drawing in a deep breath. What should she say? How would she explain what Solas had told her about the vallaslin? Her Keeper would never believe her. Still, she had to try. 

“I… Well. It’s hard to explain. But I met one of the People, and he explained to me what they really mean. That they are not to honor the old gods, but that they are...slave markings from the days of Old. They...honored the gods of the slavers.”

Cullen frowned. Was that true? He exchanged a glance with Cassandra who shrugged.

“And you believed him, child? How could you be so foolish?”

“He is... wise. I believed him, yes. He knew a spell to remove them, so I told him he could.”

“Then you are a bigger fool than I could have imagined. Oh, child.” The Keeper pinched the bridge of her nose with her fingertips and let out a great sigh. “I am heartbroken in this moment.”

“Keeper-”

“You have disgraced us. You have come to us naked and ashamed, having given up your pride as a Dalish. You come to visit us protected by _shems_ , no less. Have you any pride at all? I sent you to the Conclave with a job, and you left us to lead a band of shemlen.”

“Keeper, please-”

“Listen to me, Child.” Keeper Istimaethoriel looked her in the eyes, tears sparkling in her own. “It gives me great pain to tell you this. But I can no longer accept you as Dalish.”

Lavellan began trembling. “...What?”

“I am sorry, Child. You have been as a daughter to me. But now you have become one of them.” The Keeper glanced back at Cullen and Cassandra. “I am thankful they have taken care of you, and seem to respect the People, but this I cannot tolerate. You may as well be of an alienage.” A tear slipped over her cheek as she whispered her next words. “Seron, you are Lavellan no longer. Be gone from us.”

Cassandra gasped and Cullen’s fingers tightened around his sword.

Lavellan shook her head as her Keeper let go of her shoulders and started to walk away, tears streaming down her cheeks as well. 

“But… You can’t! I… Keeper, please, don’t do this!” _Not you, too…_

“I will give you a few moments to leave, but if you linger...” the Keeper glanced into the trees where the hunters waited.

Cullen stepped up to Lavellan and offered his hand. “Inquisitor, we’d better hurry.”

She could hardly move. Tears pouring down her bare cheeks, she glanced up at him, and then to Cassandra who nodded. “Let’s go.”

Cullen glanced at Cassandra who raised her eyebrows. Lavellan wasn’t moving. 

“Come on,” he said softly, wrapping an arm around her shoulders to direct her. He wasn’t sure if it was appropriate, but he also didn’t really have time to worry about it.

Cassandra glanced back, knowing Cole would catch up to them as she led them out of the Dalish camp.

As soon as they had reached the border, Lavellan crumpled to her knees and sobbed into her hands. 

Cullen didn’t know what to do except to kneel next to her so she wasn’t alone on the ground. She cried for a long while, Cassandra turning her back to give her privacy.

As she began to calm down, Lavellan felt cool hands on her hot cheeks, and cool lips on her forehead. Cole.

“‘It hurts,’” Cole whispered. “‘Being cast out hurts, even more than I thought it would. I didn’t think she’d do it. Why did I let him take the vallaslin? Why did I _believe_ him?’”

Cullen frowned. 

“We can’t stay here, Inquisitor,” he murmured. Cole glanced at Cullen and nodded. 

“We can help her,” Cole insisted. He reached for Lavellan’s hands. “You always help me. Let us help you.”

Lavellan sniffled and looked up at him. “Thank you, Cole.” She let him help her to her feet and leaned on him. Cole had never been good at affection, but she had taught him a few things about comfort.

Cullen cleared his throat. “Inquisitor?”

She turned from Cole’s side to meet his eyes. “Yes?”

“I don’t know if this will help but… Please remember that you’re not alone. You still have us.” He hesitated, coughed. “The Inquisition. We’re your family. We...all care about you.”

Cole squeezed her shoulders and nodded. “He thinks it, but doesn’t say it - we all love you.” 

Cullen cleared his throat and tugged on his collar. “Thank you, Cole.”

Cole smiled. “I like it when we help people.”

Cassandra, facing forward, just smiled to herself. She knew what Cullen was thinking.

\--

It had taken her almost a year after Solas left to smile again, to really, truly smile. Cullen almost counted the days.

He knew he couldn’t push her. He knew what the elven apostate had said, how he’d made promises of love and then removed her vallaslin and left her face bare, left her ashamed. 

He’d never forget how she looked when he saw her without her facial tattoos. He hadn’t commented, but she knew he’d noticed. And she’d said nothing, kept her face down. She didn’t look up as often anymore, now that the apostate had left.

Though it had now been weeks since the clan had exiled her, she’d spent a lot of time in the garden, or in the nearby grove where there were trees. She showed up for every meeting, but there was a dullness in her eyes. Cole was at her side almost every moment, but thankfully remained quiet most of the time.

Cullen thought it interesting that the spirit boy had taken to her in such a way, but figured it made sense. 

Cole had become like a son to her. She spent a lot of time teaching him what behaviors were okay, which were not, and Cullen was almost proud to see Cole functioning among the rest of the Inquisition like a normal human. Cole was definitely still a spirit, vanishing at a moment’s notice when he sensed pain that required help, but Cullen noticed how close Cole stayed to Lavellan, as if hers was the greatest pain of all.

The first time he heard her laugh since before they’d taken down Corypheus he felt like time stood still. They were playing Wicked Grace, and Varric had told a joke. He’d gone back to Kirkwall for awhile to help rebuild, but had promised to come back and visit. He’d stayed for two weeks, and every day of those two weeks Cullen had seen a lightness in Lavellan’s face that hadn’t been there before.

Cullen had lost the game again, but hadn’t bet any clothes to save himself from the embarrassment of the other time they’d all played together. He’d learned his lesson from last time.

Now it was Dorian’s turn to go back to Tevinter for awhile, and Cullen could see Lavellan wishing him a safe journey from where he stood on the battlements. She hugged her friend for a long time, and he returned her embrace, his eyes closed, smiling softly. 

Maybe Cullen could start small, like spending time with her at the tavern. Maybe just them. It’s not like it was a secret he was interested. Everyone seemed to know but her. He’d had feelings for her since Haven, and, not knowing what to do about them, had lost his chance when she’d fallen for Solas. This didn’t surprise him. He was a human, what business did he have wooing her? Still. Solas was out of the picture and she’d gone through a long period of sadness now that he was gone. Maybe she was ready to move on. Or, maybe she didn’t want to consider a relationship with anyone. 

Perhaps how often he thought of her would transfer to her through Cole. Crazier still, he considered just coming right out and asking her. The worst that could happen would be her telling him no. He’d gone so long pining after her he was used to the idea of her not being interested anyway.

\--

“Commander Cullen thinks about you a lot,” Cole murmured softly one afternoon as he and Lavellan sat in the grove, Lavellan weaving flowers together to make a crown for him. Her hands faltered for a moment, but it escaped Cole’s notice.

“He thinks a lot of very nice things about you. He wants you to be happy. He is happy you have been smiling more often. He likes it when you smile.”

She didn’t know what to say, so she let Cole continue to speak. They’d spent a lot of time in silence together, which was something she didn’t mind in the slightest. He comforted her just by being around her. His presence reminded her that she wasn’t alone, despite being surrounded by hundreds of people at Skyhold at all times, most of them wanting her attention.

Her moments of respite were spent in this grove nowadays, Cole at her side, while she watched the sky, or weaved flowers together. She was still an elf, even if her clan had exiled her. 

Maybe the elves didn’t want her, but this ragtag group of people, this war effort, they wanted her. They cherished her, respected her. They hadn’t gone anywhere. 

She had cried herself to sleep for a week after her return from the Free Marches. Cole hadn’t left her side for more than an hour since then.

“He thinks about kissing you sometimes, but then he gets embarrassed.”

Lavellan opened her mouth to reply, but found no words. Cullen? He got embarrassed when he thought about her? He thought about _kissing_ her?! Of course he did. She hadn’t spent a lot of time with him, but she was an elf. She was aware when people looked at her longer than others. But Cullen’s glances were different than Solas’s. 

Solas had looked at her with affection, sure, but there was a hunger underneath that was inhuman. 

Cullen didn’t possess that. He looked at her with respect, and a sort of pride. He was proud of her?

She had to admit she admired him. He was handsome, and his smile was kind. His bashfulness over anything crude was sweet. He had taken good care of them. He was a good leader, even if he didn’t want to be. Maybe there could be something good there? 

Lavellan couldn’t forget what Dorian had said at the gate earlier when he’d embraced her. 

“Give my regards to our dear Commander, won’t you?” 

Lavellan had thought he was just commenting on Cullen’s physical attractiveness - Dorian made no secret that he’d have already leapt on the Commander were he in any way remotely interested. Or he was just having his fun with the ‘prudish’ Cullen. 

She had laughed it off, but Dorian shook his head. “No, I mean it. If I have to coordinate with Leliana, which I’m not above doing, I’m going to be disappointed in you.” 

She pretended not to hear him. “Be safe, Dorian.”

“Maybe I’ll write to Cassandra as well, she and Cullen seem to be quite close,” he mused. 

Lavellan turned him around and pushed him towards the exit. “Quit being so obnoxious and go work on being an adult.”

He laughed before kissing her forehead. “I’ll miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. Be safe.”

Lavellan sighed, knowing Dorian was right. She finished the flower crown and placed it on Cole’s head. “I know what I have to do.”

“Do you need help?”

She sighed. “You know, Cole. For the first time, I think I’ll be okay on my own. Go find something to do and come find me later, okay? We can eat dinner together.”

Cole’s expression softened. “Don’t be nervous.”

“I’m not -”

“You are.”

She took a deep breath and squeezed Cole’s hands. “I am.”

Cole reached for the flower crown. “You should wear this instead. It’ll give you courage.”

Cole stood and set the crown on Lavellan’s head. “There. Now you are brave enough. Go say hello to him. Tell him you want to talk to him.”

Lavellan stood up straight and smiled. “Do I look nice?”

“He thinks you always look nice. But nicer when you smile.”

“Then I shall smile,” she said, squeezing Cole’s hands. “Find me later.”

He smiled. “You’ll be fine,” he insisted.

\--

Lavellan knocked lightly on the door to Cullen’s office and he looked up, his face softening when he saw her in the doorway.

“Inquisitor, good afternoon. What brings you up here?” He paused as he stood up from his chair. “What’s with the flowers?”

She laughed faintly and pointed to the crown. “I made it for Cole but he insisted I wear it when I come see you.”

“When you-” Cullen hesitated and Lavellan realized she’d said that outloud.

“Well. Commander, it occurs to me that though we’ve talked at length I know nothing about you. I know almost everything about most of the others, but not a lot about you.” She sighed, drawing her strength from the flowers on her head. “If you’re not too busy right now -”

“Let’s walk,” he agreed, gesturing to the door. 

 

\--

Much later in the day, the sun long gone behind the mountains, Cole appeared behind the Inquisitor in the tavern, startling Cullen, which caused him to slosh some ale onto the table. Lavellan turned and smiled at Cole. “You found me!”

“You think I don’t know how to find you,” Cole stated, then, delighted, “Oh! You kept them on!” 

Lavellan reached for the flower crown and gestured that Cole bend so she could put them on him instead. He didn’t always wear his hat, Lavellan insisting that sometimes he go without it so people could see his face. The flowers suited him.

“Did you want to sit down?”

“Cullen doesn’t want me to,” Cole said softly, and Lavellan knew Cullen had heard him. She blushed, seeing Cullen studying his ale with sudden great interest.

Lavellan reached for Cole’s hand and squeezed it. “Well, _I_ want you to. If you want to stay, please do.” 

Cole shrugged. “I will find something to do. I will find you later when you have gone to sleep.”

She offered him a soft smile and as she blinked, he was gone.

Cullen cleared his throat. “Does that not bother you at all? His coming and going?”

“I’ve grown used to it,” she admitted. “He used to startle me, but I’ve taught him a lot about personal space, and to make sure he knocks if it’s in my room, just in case it’s not a good time. He’d know anyway, but… It’s about human behavior.”

“Why teach him human behaviors if he’s not human?”

“He’s still one of us, and people are uncomfortable enough with him around. If he acts as normal as possible, I think it makes it easier for him to be here.”

Cullen sighed. “You two are close.”

“I don’t know how it happened that way,” she said with a half-smile. “I didn’t mean to take him on, but we just kind of...fell together.”

“You didn’t mean to become his mother,” Cullen joked, and Lavellan, knowing he was right, laughed.

“I guess I am, aren’t I?”

“I suppose it’s too bad his father’s a deadbeat,” Cullen said. He knew he shouldn’t have. Sore subject. He was taking a risk.

Lavellan sighed, hurt flashing through her eyes for a moment. “Solas left Cole with many questions, but if Cole wants to seek answers, he need only find him in the Fade.”

“ _You_ have many questions,” Cullen said.

 

“I won’t get answers.”

“Ever?”

“No, I suppose not.” She couldn’t meet his eyes.

“That’s hardly fair.”

She narrowed her eyes and sighed. “I have a power I didn’t ask for, that has put me in charge of an army I wasn’t prepared to run. Someone who I thought was my lover and ally has completely deserted me without explanation, and to top it off, now I’m a Dalish elf exiled from my clan. A lot of my life lately hasn’t been what I’d call ‘fair’.”

Cullen shifted, visibly uncomfortable. “I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to take this conversation in this direction. I had promised myself I wouldn’t bring him up.”

“He was one of us for awhile, Cullen. I know you all have questions that I can’t answer.”

“Still, it wasn’t fair of me to bring it up,” Cullen admitted. “I…”

“I know why you did,” she said softly. The tavern had cleared out, the hour late. Cullen didn’t have to lean forward to hear her but he did anyway.

She met his eyes. “I think I can safely say he doesn’t bother me anymore. He used to visit me in the Fade, and I think he’d assume I couldn’t tell he was there, but… I knew. He hasn’t visited in a long time, and I am thankful. Perhaps he realizes it wasn’t helping me move on, like he told me to.”

Cullen frowned. “Perhaps Cole told him to leave you alone.”

Lavellan’s eyes widened. “I hadn’t even considered it. That’s…” She couldn’t decide whether to smile or frown. “...Well, it makes the most sense.”

“Cole takes care of you. He may seem odd to a lot of the other people at Skyhold, but...he cares about you, I’ll give him that.”

It was one of many late-night tavern conversations that became regular, Lavellan finding herself laughing more and more as the nights went on. Cullen was quite funny, once he’d relaxed a little, which was usually after two or three mugs of ale. 

After they’d part ways and Lavellan would trudge up to her room and curl up in bed, she’d think about their conversations for awhile, only to open her eyes and find Cole lying next to her, his eyes open as he studied her face. 

“You’re feeling happy,” he said to her one night after she’d returned.

“Yes, I am.”

“Tell me about it, I want to know.”

“Cole, I think I could fall for him.”

“That’s what he wants,” Cole said. Lavellan nodded and reached for Cole’s hands in the darkness. 

“I know. I can tell. He’s...sweet, and gentle. I think I could really fall for him if I gave myself the chance.”

“What stops you? Solas is gone.”

“I don’t want Cullen to be a replacement, because he’s not.” She sighed. “He’ll compare himself, I think, and I don’t want that either. He’s a good man. I don’t want him to spend the entire time wondering if he’s good enough. Because I have a feeling he’s better.”

“They are different people, him and Solas,” Cole whispered. Lavellan nodded.

“I know. But the thing is… When people get into relationships with other people, and they know that the other has been hurt, they spend a lot of time worrying that they’re good enough, or better than the person who had hurt them.”

“Relationships are complicated,” Cole mused. Lavellan gathered him into her arms.

“That’s the truest thing you’ve ever said, little one.”

\--


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan finally makes a move.

_Thank you for being patient with me,_  
for accepting me as I am now  
but encouraging me  
to reveal the best self I can be.  
\- espereia (via wordsnquotes) 

 

“I’ve noticed you’ve been spending a lot of time with the Commander lately, Inquisitor.”

Leliana’s tone was soft, amused. Not accusatory, just...teasing. She was looking for gossip.

Lavellan hesitated before raising an eyebrow and ruffling some papers. “So? Is that not allowed?” 

Leliana chuckled and tucked a stray lock of hair behind her ear. “I’m merely teasing you, Inquisitor. It’s just nice to see, is all.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but he’s had a thing for you since we were all back at Haven.”

Lavellan blinked. No, she hadn’t noticed. Since _Haven!?_

“He’s a good man. I think you should go for it.”

“Leliana…” Lavellan warned. 

“What! I just mean for you all to have a bit of fun. Besides, you see how tense he is? He could use a little bit of relaxation. Though, he probably needs some instruction. I can’t imagine he even knows how to properly please a woman.”

Lavellan shook her head. “I’m not having this conversation.”

“But you’ll think about it next time you see him.” Leliana grinned from behind her hood. “Have a good afternoon, Inquisitor!”

 

\--

Cullen was maybe into his third tankard later that evening, his cheeks a little red. 

“Leliana is hell-bent on setting me up with someone,” he explained. “I don’t know why.”

“She says it’s because you’re tense,” Lavellan replied without thinking. She paused for a moment and then decided to go with it. “Maybe you need to relax a little. Sleep with someone.”

Cullen choked on his sip of ale. “Sorry?”

Lavellan shrugged and fiddled with her wine glass. “Everyone has their ways of dealing with stress, I don’t know. Maybe she was thinking that was something that would help you.”

Cullen shook his head to clear it, but to no avail. “It’s been this long, I doubt my ability to woo a woman is going to change anything. Maker’s breath, are we talking about this?” His smile was sheepish, embarrassed.

Lavellan laughed. “Only if you want to.”

“I do think I’ve had enough ale,” Cullen concluded, pushing his tankard away, his cheeks red. “I can’t spill _all_ my secrets to you.”

“Not yet, I suppose. We’ve only known each other for a couple of years now,” Lavellan said with a soft smile. 

“Okay, you want to know the truth?” Cullen said with a sigh, spreading his hands flat on the table. “I haven’t exactly had time for a real relationship with anyone. I was a Templar at a young age. Then everything happened in Kirkwall and the world went to hell. I haven’t...had the time.”

“No one’s holding that against you, Cullen.”

“It sounds like Leliana is.”

“She’s not pushing you to find someone, you know.”

Cullen sighed. “I’m not the type to just...go to a brothel and sleep with someone. I...can’t even stand the idea of it. A one night...thing.” He couldn’t even meet her eyes.

“There’s no shame in being a romantic, look at Cassandra. People respect her.”

He snorted. 

“Truly. I think it’s deserving of great respect that you believe in love.”

“I...want to, anyway. Believe in it.” He cleared his throat. “Maker, look at the time.”

“Running away before this gets too deep?” she asked with a sly grin.

He chuckled. “Perhaps. Good evening, Inquisitor.”

“Goodnight, Cullen.”

He left the table quickly, feeling her eyes on his back until the door of the tavern closed behind him.

_He wants to believe in it… because of me_ , Lavellan realized. She knew she didn’t have much to offer him, but if she did, would it be enough? Could she be enough for him, not the other way around? He was better than her. She knew it. 

But was she enough for him?

\-- 

It took all of her courage to go to him, and even then she waited until the next day. They didn’t have their usual tavern evening date, but this time they had all gotten together to play Wicked Grace, which wasn’t the same without Varric. Josephine had cleaned up easily, leaving them with her pockets heavy. 

Lavellan had caught Cullen’s eye as she’d left and she’d offered him a soft smile, which caught him by surprise as she walked away.

Cole appeared by her side once she was out of Cullen’s view and nudged her arm. “Go to him later. Tonight is a good night. He feels like he is good enough.”

“He _is_ good enough,” she whispered. She took Cole’s hand. “You’re right. I will talk to him.”

Cole nodded. “Good. No flowers this time. You are enough without them.”

She kissed the boy’s forehead. “You are my strength, Cole.”

\--

She took three deep breaths to calm her pounding heart before she knocked on the door. She knew he was still awake: she could see the torch light flickering. 

He opened the door with a frown. “Inquisitor?”

“Sorry, is this a bad time?”

“No, of course not. Come in. Are you alright? Do you need something?”

She sighed, wringing her hands together. “I need to talk to you. I have to get something off my chest.”

He leaned against his desk and crossed his arms. “Alright.”

Lavellan drew in another deep breath, frustrated. She could close Fade rifts without blinking but couldn’t tell someone she was interested in them? “Look. I don’t know how to say this.”

For once, his stare was unbroken, as he watched her tremble, unable to form her sentence. The corner of his mouth turned up in amusement at this turn of events; usually it was he who forgot his words. 

“You’re different tonight,” he murmured. “Nervous. No flowers to give you courage?”

She licked her lips to buy time, but he smiled. He suddenly knew what this was about. Reaching for her hand, he was pleasantly surprised when she offered hers in return. He remained leaning against his desk as he pulled her a few steps closer to him. 

“Tell me what’s on your mind.”

The light of the fire lit his hair gold, and she wanted to touch it. Instead, she closed the remaining steps between them and kissed him.

If he was caught off guard, he didn’t show it, his hands finding her waist with ease. 

It was a soft kiss, short and gentle, and yet she felt plenty flushed when she broke away. 

“That’s what’s on my mind,” she admitted. He nodded.

“So it would appear.”

“You don’t seem surprised.”

He smiled gently. “You sought me out after a long time of leaving me in solitude. I’m a lot of things, but I’m not completely stupid, Inquisitor.”

She didn’t know what to say, so instead bent her head against his chest and he wrapped his arms around her. 

“I can’t say I’m disappointed,” he murmured. “Just didn’t think it would be so soon.”

“I don’t know what I’m doing,” she whispered.

He chuckled. “Neither do I.”

She looked up at him and smiled. “I suppose that’s good, isn’t it?”

“Fumbling blindly?” 

“Well,” she shook her head. “That depends on what we’re talking about.”

Cullen cleared his throat nervously. Ah, there he was. This smug Commander wasn’t the Cullen she’d grown used to.

“One step at a time, then?” she asked softly. He nodded. 

“That’s a pace I can handle.”

“So...kissing against your desk for awhile as Skyhold sleeps… Is that an acceptable pace?”

He grinned. “As long as Cole doesn’t show up.”

Lavellan couldn’t help her laugh. “He’s become quite good with personal boundaries. He actually...encouraged me to come up here. He’s been in your corner since the beginning.”

“Inquisitor,” Cullen interrupted. “I’m thrilled that you’re here in my arms after what feels like forever, but… You’ve promised me kisses against the desk, not conversation.”

“Perhaps I’m more nervous than I thought,” she admitted. 

“I can handle one kiss a day,” he said. “I’ll wait with baited breath for the day where it’s two, and… I’d like to believe I can be respectful.”

Lavellan put her arms around his neck and giggled. “Then let today be the day when it’s two.”

\--


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan and Cullen discuss something important.

_The best gift you are ever going to give someone— the permission to feel safe in their own skin. To feel worthy. To feel like they are enough._  
\- Hannah Brencher (via thatkindofwoman)

 

The next morning at the war table was strangely peaceful. Josephine seemed unaware, but Leliana knew immediately once Cullen was leaning against the table.

“You both want to tell me what’s going on?” she interrupted. “Sorry, Josie, but I can’t sit in suspense.”

Lavellan laughed. “Leliana, really?”

Cullen blushed. “The Inquisitor doesn’t kiss and tell,” he muttered.

Leliana grinned. “It’s about time!” 

Josephine squealed. “Are you serious?! This is cause for a celebration!” 

Lavellan groaned. “You guys, no. Calm down. Let’s just… Put it out in the open so you’ll stop asking me.”

Leliana kept grinning. “I did wonder why our Commander was holding himself a little taller this morning.”

Cullen cleared his throat. “Am I?” 

Josephine beamed with glee. “Well, I’m thrilled. I want only happiness for you both.”

Lavellan put her hands on the table. “Thank you, now can we get to work?”

 

\--

It was a couple of weeks later and many accounts of stolen kisses on the battlements, and a quick ‘we have five minutes before my next meeting, let’s make out in my office before you leave for the Hinterlands’ every now and again before Lavellan wondered if that’s all he wanted from her. To be fair, she would have been fine with that, but she knew the time was coming when she’d have to talk to him about it just to be sure.

It turned out she wouldn’t have to bring it up, as he did on his own one night while she waited for him to finish up some paperwork. They’d made plans to go for a midnight ride through the mountains while it was quiet and the moon was full.

It appeared, however, that Cullen had other plans. He set down his pen and sighed. 

“May I speak with you about something that’s been on my mind?” he asked. “You can tell me no, you can tell me to shut up, whatever you want. I just need to bring it up so that I know I did.”

Lavellan nodded and leaned against his desk, facing him where he sat. 

“I just...want to talk to you about some things so we’re clear.” She could see his cheeks darken even by the light of the candles, and knew this was going to be a difficult discussion.

“Look. I don’t want to get into the depths of it because it’s something I know I have to face on my own, but… I have a lot of things in my past I don’t want to bring you into. Things that happened to me in the Circle in Ferelden, and in Kirkwall. I have a lot of nightmares, and they’ve only gotten worse since stopping the lyrium.” He paused and clenched his hands, unable to look her in the eyes. 

“I don’t want you to be disappointed if... How do I word this? If things...progress between us and… I can’t…”

Lavellan smiled softly. “I have no expectations from you, Cullen.”

“But-” 

“I mean it. Let’s go at your pace. I’m more than fine with that.”

“But-”

She put her hands on either side of his face and forced him to meet her eyes. “Your kisses are all I need, okay?”

“Are you sure?”

“Until you’re ready.”

“I…” He broke her gaze. “I have wanted you for some time, I just worry that, besides the potential flashbacks and nightmares that I may not live up to your expectations.”

Letting out a half-sigh, Lavellan relaxed her shoulders and folded her hands together. “Cullen, can I explain to you the difference between a mage and a… non-mage?” 

Cullen frowned. 

“Besides what you’ve been taught to think about them,” Lavellan explained. She chewed her bottom lip while thinking of how to word it without making it too complicated.

“You know how Templars have abilities normal warriors don’t? Abilities to block spells and the like.” 

Cullen nodded. 

“Well, as you know, mages have similar abilities, and they stem from our mana. The best way I can explain it is that it’s a barrier of magic that surrounds our bodies like our skin, almost.” She picked up one of his hands and held in in her own, his hand warm against hers. Even between their hands she could feel her magic keeping them separated. “You can’t see it. Mages can sense it on other mages, but… You were a Templar, you know this already.” 

“Explain it to me in your own words,” Cullen murmured, watching her. 

She sighed. “When mages are...intimate with each other, their mana merges and becomes as one. So not only are they united in body, but with their mana as well.” She paused and her face flushed. She remembered the feel of Solas’s mana merged with hers. His power was old, deep. It had possessed her, making her feel invincible. She’d recognize it anywhere. 

“It’s incredibly intimate. I suppose I could say it’s like bodies and souls are merged.”

Cullen blinked, waiting for her to continue. She could see him processing her words, but she didn’t want him to say anything. She knew what he was going to say.

“How can I compete with that?” he murmured, focusing on her hands holding his, studying her small fingers. 

“I’m not asking you to,” she breathed. “Please, Cullen.”

He met her eyes. “I can offer you normal, I think. I hope.”

She smiled softly. “Normal is what I want after all we’ve been through together. Normal, safe, healthy.”

Cullen chuckled. “Those are good words for a relationship, I suppose.”

She couldn’t help her laugh. “I know we have an unwritten rule to not bring him into conversation, but…What I’m getting at is, I need normal after Solas. Mage relationships are really intense. He kind of fucked me up,” she admitted.

Cullen stood and pulled her into his arms, his embrace warm, secure. “I know. We all saw what it did to you. We tried our best to carry on as normal, but it was hard when you grew so…”

“Withdrawn, secluded, and the like?” she murmured against his chest. 

“Mmm. All of us worried for you. You didn’t talk, you hardly ate. When Cole wasn’t at your side he was pacing with worry.”

“Cole worries about me too much,” she chuckled.

“He was right to,” Cullen said. He stepped back and took her face in his hands. “But you’re back with us, and I couldn’t be happier. We missed you. I missed you.”

She stared into his eyes for a long moment and sighed. “When you came with me to see my clan, that meant a lot. I knew Cassandra and Cole would come, but I didn’t expect it from you. I think that was when I started to realize maybe you were a little fond of me. I’m sorry I was too absorbed in myself to notice any sooner.”

Cullen shook his head and kissed her forehead softly. “You had a lot going on, especially after that visit. I am a patient man.”

“So it would seem. It _has_ been a long while since Haven.”

Cullen leaned his forehead against hers. “Still want to go for that midnight ride?”

“Is that a euphemism?” she joked. Cullen laughed. 

“You’ve been spending too much time with Dorian.”

\--


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A surprise visit from an old friend causes some discomfort for Cullen as he finds himself being made fun of in the tavern.

_You need to know that you deserve to be loved for who you are and not what someone wants you to be._  
\- (via deeplifequotes)

 

It had been a few afternoons since their late night talk when Cullen set down the book he was reading and turned to Lavellan, who was also reading while sitting on the edge of his desk. “So all mages can sense another mage’s mana?” 

She closed the book and met his eyes. “In a way, yes. Some people keep theirs close to them, others flail about wildly. An untrained mage, say, an apostate that hasn’t been Circle trained, or a Dalish untrained by their Keeper, has their mana unchecked. It’s easier for them to lose control.”

Cullen’s eyes seemed to flash with amusement for some reason. “Help me understand. If, say, Dorian was standing behind you without saying anything, would you be able to sense his mana and know it was him?”

“Probably, but I’d smell him before I sensed him since he insists on covering himself with so much scented oil,” Lavellan joked.

“I beg your pardon, my dear Inquisitor, I smell wonderful.”

Lavellan whirled around at the sound of Dorian’s voice and found him standing in the doorway, grinning. She sprinted across the room and into Dorian’s open arms. Cullen chuckled to himself. She had launched into Dorian’s embrace and he was holding her up off the ground. 

“When did you get here?!” she cried as Dorian hugged her tightly. 

“Just a short while ago. The Commander insisted by letter that I see you right away. Funny how I come up here to ask him where you are and I find you here instead. I trust all is well, then?”

Lavellan blushed as Dorian kissed the side of her head. 

“She finally saw the light,” Cullen joked. “Welcome back, Dorian. I trust you had a safe trip?”

Lavellan beamed back at Cullen while she held Dorian’s hands. “You _knew_ he was coming back?”

“Of course,” Dorian laughed. “He orchestrated the entire thing.”

Lavellan’s eyes misted with emotion. “You....”

“Now, now, let’s not embarrass him. Come, we have to catch up. You can thank him later when I’m not around,” Dorian said with a wink in Cullen’s direction. 

Cullen cleared his throat. “Go, both of you. I refuse to be subjected to teasing and ridicule.”

“Certainly, Commander. That’s for later at the tavern when we can all do it at once.” 

 

\--

 

He shouldn’t have let it happen, but he did, and now he had to pay for it. Wanting to pay his mug of ale attention, he couldn’t. Not while Lavellan sat next to him laughing openly, her mouth wide with joy, her eyes tightly closed. He had never seen her like this in ages, not truly happy. He couldn’t help but stare at her.

She was stunning.

Dorian was telling some story about the Archon and Cullen couldn’t even hear him, only hearing Lavellan’s laughter whenever Dorian delivered a punchline.

“Speaking of which, our dear Commander is practically drooling over there. May we offer you a rag?”

Lavellan glanced at Cullen, which startled him back into the real world. “Hmm?”

The table burst into laughter and Cullen blushed, knowing they were laughing at him.

“Now that it’s out in the open, it’s a little easier to pine after her, isn’t it?” Dorian asked with a sly grin. 

Cullen coughed and took a swig of his ale. “Now now, Dorian. Can you blame me? Look at her.”

Dorian, impressed by Cullen’s recovery, laughed. “True, true. Now, Leliana and I were speaking earlier and we agreed that you probably need some advice.”

Leliana laughed. “You’re going to do this now, Dorian?”

Dorian’s eyes glittered. “Why not, while the table is full?”

Lavellan grinned. “You’re up to no good, aren’t you?”

“Always, my darling.” He lifted his glass in her direction before draining it in one swallow.

Leliana leaned forward in her chair. “So we were saying, Cullen, that I have spent a significant amount of time in Orlais, while Dorian being from Tevinter...We have a lot of advice you wouldn’t find from people in Ferelden.”

“I’m afraid to ask,” Cullen said, his fingers tight on his mug.

“I could write you an entire book filled with Orlesian sex tips for reference,” Leliana offered. 

Dorian nodded. “I’m sure there are things I could add that Leliana hasn’t a clue about.”

Cullen lowered his forehead onto the table. “Honestly…”

“Our dear Inquisitor would be very thankful if you knew _half_ of what I know, dear Commander.” Leliana’s grin was coy, but Cullen’s face was still hidden. 

Lavellan was laughing. 

“Fine, if you will not listen to me, perhaps the Inquisitor would like this book of Orlesian sex tips…”

Cullen turned slightly to Lavellan and groaned. “Please tell her to shut up.”

Lavellan was too busy giggling into both of her hands and Cullen’s despair turned soft. His embarrassment and discomfort was worth the price of her smile. 

Dorian’s eyes met Cullen’s across the table and the men shared a smile. Dorian knew this was what she needed. 

Leliana wasn’t finished. “Fine, if no book then I will just have to explain some things to you across this table of people.” She put her wine down and held out her fingers in an odd way. “If you’re ever curious, if you position your fingers like this -”

_“Leliana!”_ Cullen hissed, his cheeks burning.

The redhead grinned. “Don’t be a baby, Cullen. With a little practice, of course they bend that way. Now, as for your tongue, I strongly suggest-”

“Yes, alright, that’s enough, thank you!” 

Leliana wrinkled her nose in disgust. “Ugh, you are not even watching. She is going to be so disappointed!” She grinned from where she sat next to the Inquisitor, sliding her hand over Lavellan’s thigh. “Inquisitor. If you ever want to learn, just come to me. I’ll teach you.”

Cullen stood abruptly, knocking over his mug. “That’s enough, I’m leaving. Good night.”

Lavellan tugged on Cullen’s hand, her blush fading. “Cullen, come on. It’s just a bit of fun, don’t leave yet!”

Dorian laughed. “Don’t you dare leave, Commander. I have to tell her all the fun things she can do to _you!_ ”

Cullen sank back onto the bench and groaned. “Maker’s breath…”

Dorian grinned. “Look, my darling. If you want my honest opinion and best suggestion, slipping in a single finger, hmm, maybe two, your fingers are skinny, will do the trick. He’ll pop like the cork in a bottle of Sun Blonde Vint-1.”

Lavellan’s hands were over her mouth but her eyes were full of laughter. 

Dorian leaned forward over his crossed arms. “Cullen, how do you feel about using magic in the bedroom?”

Cullen shook his head. “I’m not listening to this.”

“Fine, I’ll assume you’re good with it.” Dorian turned his attention back to Lavellan. “I know a paralysis spell that will help with your gag reflex, because come now. Look at him. He’s a big man, I’m sure-”

Leliana scoffed. “Dear, you don’t need magic to help with _that._ ”

Dorian shook his head. “Sure, but it’ll save her weeks of practice.”

Leliana shrugged. “Pity for non-mages then,” she said with a grin.

“Right, so I’m sure you know this already, but non-mages seem to have a thing about magical sparkle fingers-”

“Enough!” Cullen cried. “Tease at your leisure, but I’m not listening to this any longer.”

He stood and stormed out, his scowl prevalent.

Leliana and Dorian watched him stalk out, while Lavellan stared into her wine. 

“Are you going to go after him?” Dorian asked.

Lavellan shook her head. “No, not this time. He’s fine, just...uncomfortable.”

Dorian took a swig of wine and shrugged. “Did Solas ever use the sparkle fingers?”

Lavellan laughed. “Solas did...a lot of things to me that would never be acceptable to our very traditional ex-Templar.”

“Anything I should know?” Dorian asked, raising an eyebrow. 

Lavellan’s smile wasn’t as amused as before. “I’d rather...not get into it, actually?”

Dorian nodded. “Fair enough. Also, out of curiosity… Is Iron Bull around these days?”

“In his usual room, and yes he’s single, if that matters,” Leliana murmured with a grin into her cup. “Go have fun.”

Dorian grinned, rounding the table to kiss Lavellan on the top of her head. “I’m not sorry, those tips are all useful. But I suppose we didn’t have to push. I hope he’s not too angry with us.”

Leliana laughed and stood. “Like you care, Dorian. Come on, I’ll walk you back.”

“To a booty call? How kind.” Dorian blew a kiss to Lavellan as they left the tavern.

Lavellan looked at her wine and sighed. It was now or never.

\--

Cullen stood on the battlements past his office, staring out at the mountains. He heard Lavellan approach, but didn’t turn to greet her.

“I’m not angry with you,” he said.

She sighed, crossing her arms. “I should have stopped them, that was unfair of me. I’m sorry it made you uncomfortable.”

He turned to her, his expression weary. “I expected teasing, but not of that caliber. Perhaps inviting Dorian back was a mistake?” 

“He’s always the life of the party,” Lavellan said with a smile, leaning on the battlements next to him.

“Are you...did you have a good time though? I’ve never seen you laugh like that. It was...lovely.”

She leaned into his side and nodded. “It felt good to laugh that hard. I needed it, I think.”

“You did.” He wrapped an arm around her and they stood together in silence for a long time.

“Seron…” He murmured. “Is there something wrong with me?”

She frowned and looked up at him. “Why would you say that?”

“I just-”

“Cullen. We talked about this. Everything is at your pace, alright? There’s nothing wrong with you, I promise.” She stood on her toes and leaned up to kiss him. “No matter what, I want to be with you. I promise that as well.”

He sighed and embraced her tightly. “I don’t know what I’ve done in my life to deserve your acceptance, but… I’ll take it as the Maker’s grace and leave it at that. You are good for me.”

He took her hands in his own and sighed, looking down at where their hands were connected. She knew that after a moment he was thinking about earlier.

“Don’t worry, Cullen. I won’t do anything without your permission, _especially_ everything they suggested.” 

Cullen laughed and kissed her forehead.

\--


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The Fallow Mire makes for a grumpy Inquisitor...

_Do you know how beautiful you look?  
the way you carry your stories in your eyes of joy and scars?  
You are a wonderful sight for all of us._  
\- alia-sf (via wnq-writers)

 

Lavellan was called away to the Fallow Mire, of all places, on Avvar business. She was gone for almost three weeks, and when she came back, she was miserable. Her companions were angry, she was grumpy, and her first words to anyone who saw her were “I need a bath.”

And so Cullen waited for her to come to him when she was feeling more like herself. He knew she needed space when she first came back to Skyhold. It took time getting dried demon blood out of one’s hair.

Cullen was reading a report when she opened the door. He smiled and stood to embrace her, pleased to see she no longer wore the frown she’d walked through the gates of Skyhold with.

“How are you?” he asked, his lips on her hair as she squeezed him tightly around the middle.

“I missed you. I’m never taking Vivienne and Sera anywhere together ever again,” she murmured into the fur on his shoulder. 

Cullen had to laugh. “I could have told you that, my darling.”

“How have things been up here?”

“Much the same. Reports. Paperwork. Soldiers. Headaches. Muscle and joint pain. You know, the usual.”

She frowned at the mention of his pain, but knew he’d brush her off if she asked about it. 

“No new rifts, no demon activity?”

“Nothing out of the ordinary,” he reported. “Do I have to report everything you missed in order to get a kiss, or-?” 

Finally, she smiled. “I want reports, Commander.” She sat up on his desk and nodded to the stack of paperwork.

“You’re going to make me work for it? I haven’t seen you in over a fortnight,” he whined. “Very well.” He glanced at a report on his desk and cleared his throat. “We received a letter from Varric that he and Hawke are doing well, and that reparations in Kirkwall are ahead of schedule.”

“Mmhmm?” Lavellan asked, leaning back onto her hands, her smile faint as he read various reports to her.

He paused in the middle of a report about The Western Approach. “Are you even listening to me?”

Lavellan’s smirk mocked him from where he stood. “I suppose it’s possible, but how would you ever know?” she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“You’re particularly troublesome today, aren’t you?” He crossed his arms over his chest. 

“I just spent weeks in a swamp with two people who hated each other and only Cassandra for company because Viv and Sera wouldn’t even speak to each other cordially. I missed this.”

“I reported something, kiss me.”

“Report something else.”

“Seron, I swear -”

“Swearing is unbecoming of you,” she teased. 

Cullen made a noise in his throat not unlike a groan of frustration. “Is this how you’re going to be?”

“Report and find out.” Her grin was getting to him. 

He felt a tingling under his skin, a need to stop her from teasing him. 

“The nug population has exploded across the Dales.”

“You’re full of shit,” she whispered, that same grin across her lips.

“Do I have to take my kiss instead of earning it?”

“Is that a challenge, Commander?” she asked, kicking her legs back and forth over the side of the desk. 

Cullen let out a sigh and frowned, stepping into her space, leaning against her legs to stop her from kicking him. “Not at all, it’s an order.” 

She watched him with that same smile as before, waiting. 

“Then I suppose I have my orders, even though I outrank you,” she murmured, sitting back up but not getting off the desk. A simple thing, sitting up, but it shifted her legs to either side of him, bringing him closer into her space. He wasn’t sure if she’d done it on purpose but he wasn’t about to ask.

He smirked before leaning in to kiss her deeply. He broke the kiss to breathe for a moment, but the moment of hesitation from him was all she needed and she knew from the way his fingers gripped her hips, her fingers tangled in the fur at his shoulders, her breath warm on his lips, her knees pressing tightly against his thighs to hold him in place. Now. Right now.

He felt intoxicated, his eyes growing dark with yearning. “Seron, I -”

“Yes,” she agreed. “Will we be interrupted?” 

“I don’t have locks on all the doors, but it’s almost nightfall.” 

“I’ll see to that for future reference.” Lavellan glanced back at the ladder in the middle of the room. “Up...stairs, as it were?”

He licked his lips and nodded. “Yes. Meet me up there, I’ll put out the torch at my door. Hopefully that’s enough to tell the scouts I’m not to be disturbed.”

Lavellan could hardly believe it, but her hands trembled slightly as she climbed off the desk. Was she nervous? Excited? Both, she decided as she climbed up the ladder to his ‘bedroom’. 

Cullen busied himself putting his paperwork into appropriate piles before extinguishing the torches. He focused on the task at hand so his body wouldn’t react to his brain, which was currently in a state of mild panic.

He took a deep breath, and focused. “You’ve done this before,” he told himself no louder than a whisper. But not with someone he loved. This was different. _He loved her._

He climbed the ladder and saw her sitting on the edge of his bed, wringing her hands together. 

“Hi,” she said softly, all of her fight gone.

“Hi,” he replied. He hesitated. “Look. It’s been a really long time since -”

She stood and reached for his hands, bringing him to the bedside and sitting him down next to her. “That’s not important.”

“It is,” he insisted. 

“It isn’t,” she replied, touching his face with gentle fingers. “Please try not to worry. I want to be with you.”

He couldn’t meet her eyes and she ventured a guess at his worry. “I won’t use any magic unless you ask me to. Everything completely normal and awkward, like any couple’s first time together,” she teased lightly. It earned her a chuckle, and she felt slightly better.

“Kiss me?” she asked. 

He looked up at her and nodded. “I...yes. I can do that.”

“We’ll start there,” she said, pushing the fur from his shoulders. “And remember, we can stop at any time, no questions asked. Okay?” 

He nodded. “Okay.” 

“You handle the armor though, I don’t know how all those straps work,” she said with a laugh. 

He chuckled as he set the pieces of armor onto the floor next to the bed, dressed in his pants and an undershirt.

Lavellan had seen him nearly naked before, having lost his clothes in a bout of Wicked Grace, but that wasn’t like this. This was for her, and her only. Her stomach was a bundle of excitement.

She reached for the buttons of her top and was amused when Cullen frowned and stopped her. “Let me do it.” His fingers on the buttons, he leaned in and kissed her softly, and she knew she’d done a good thing in forcing him to wait until he was ready. 

Wrapping her arms around his neck, she pulled him down onto the bed with her, feeling him smile against her lips as he tangled their legs together. 

Together they lay back against the pillows, and he broke the kiss to study her face, lifting a finger to stroke over her cheek. “I will never tire of looking at you.”

In a moment where he could have said ‘you are so beautiful’, he didn’t, and she felt her heart burst. Too soon and unsure to how he’d react to an emotional response, she pulled him back to her and the rest of the night was lost in his kiss.


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The morning after, and a short conversation with our favorite Tevinter mage.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can I just say that the comments have been absolutely LOVELY? You guys rule. It really helps me keep going.
> 
> Thank you for reading!! <3

_We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feelings the most._  
\- Colleen Hoover, Maybe Someday (via wordsnquotes)

Lavellan awoke with a start in an unfamiliar room, a cold breeze blowing in above her as dawn approached. She shivered into her blankets and realized she was cold because she was naked. Then she remembered where she was. Surprisingly, her jump as she awoke didn’t wake Cullen.

She rolled over to face him and smiled when she saw his expression. Serene. He slept in peace. She nestled herself against his chest and instinctively he wrapped an arm around her as he grumbled in his sleep.

It wasn’t long before he opened his eyes. She smiled, waiting for him to focus on her.

“Good morning, love,” she whispered. 

“Is it morning already?” he grumbled, his voice rough with sleep.

“I’m afraid so,” she said. “Did you sleep well?”

He thought for a moment. “Let’s see. I had no nightmares, and I woke up next to you.” He smiled. “I’m pretty sure that was the best sleep I’ve ever had. I hope it lasts.”

He rolled over, wrapping both arms around her and enclosing her in his embrace. “New orders for the Inquisitor - You are not to leave this bed ever. You’re to stay here and make sure I sleep well and through the night in return for...whatever you’d ask of me.”

“Well,” she said with a grin. “If I’m to stay in this bed there are only a few things you can really do for me. We’ll have to discuss these orders in detail if I’m to follow them, Commander.”

He chuckled and kissed the side of her head. “Good morning.”

A pause. “Everyone will know,” Lavellan murmured. 

“Everyone will be jealous, I think you mean.” Cullen groaned, stretching his legs. “You wore me out completely, how will I get anything done today?”

“My wearing you out has nothing to do with that, you sure you won’t be caught up in your head all day?”

He ignored her comment and nuzzled into the side of her neck. “Is that truly what I’ve been missing this entire time?”

“No, that was a special one time offer,” she joked. 

He bit her bare shoulder lightly. “Don’t make fun.” 

She raised her hand to cup his cheek and sighed. “Cullen, did you ever think that maybe it was so special to you because you waited for the right time?” 

“I don’t think I need to think about that anymore. Because now I have this image of you gasping in pleasure beneath me perfectly ingrained in my memory, and that’s what I’ll draw from when I need strength.”

She grinned to hide her blush. “No one else gets that image, just you.”

“I should hope so.” He kissed her collarbone lightly before trailing more kisses down the middle of her chest and over her navel. 

She giggled and swatted at him. “Hey! Pay attention. Are we going to stay in bed all day or do we both have four simultaneous meetings to get to?” That said, she still wrapped her arms around his neck and pulled him back so they were face to face.

Cullen leaned his forehead against hers and closed his eyes. “Seron, my darling, you can’t expect me to go to a meeting, especially if you’re going to be there, and be able to focus.”

“Not my fault.”

“Absolutely your fault. You’re going to smirk at me across the War Table and it’s going to remind me of last night and I’ll completely lose my train of thought and embarrass myself in front of the other advisors.”

Lavellan laughed. “Get up, Cullen.”

“This is all your fault.” 

\--

Later that afternoon, meetings completed, Lavellan had undressed and was crouching next to her bucket of soapy water, washing cloth in hand, when Dorian burst into the washing area beneath Skyhold.

“Ah, there you are!”

She stood, frowning. “Dorian, I’m bathing!” 

Dorian scanned over her quickly and grinned. “Nothing I haven’t seen before, darling.”

“Can’t this wait?” she asked, letting out an exasperated sigh. 

“Not really,” Dorian said, pulling up a dry stool. “Carry on, I’ll just talk while you wash.”

Lavellan shook her head, knowing she’d never be rid of him. “Dorian. Compromise? Give me five minutes. We can talk _after_ I wash, while I’m soaking. Fair?”

He grinned. “You mean I don’t get to watch you scrub yourself down? Very well.”

“You’re terrible.” She was smiling. “Get out.”

Dorian was gone for four and a half minutes, but by that time Lavellan was in the soaking tub of hot water. He dragged the stool up next to her and grinned.

“What was it like?”

“What?”

“You _know_ what,” Dorian said, annoyed. “The Commander is _whistling_ , for Andraste’s sake! People don’t usually whistle unless they had a tumble, and _he_ doesn’t whistle at all.”

Lavellan blushed, hoping the heat of the water would excuse it. Dorian wasn’t stupid.

“Tell me every detail,” he insisted, the glint in his eyes positively wicked.

“It’s not your business,” she murmured.

“I beg your pardon, it’s _absolutely_ my business!”

“Since when?”

“Since he invited me back here to visit! He said you needed me! He’s a bloody liar, and I have to go back to Tevinter in two days and I’ve hardly had any time with you. So you’ll excuse me if my need for gossip is a little extreme. Things are always extreme back home, but… It’s not the same.” His eyes grew sad and he sighed. “I need to make sure you’re being taken care of.”

“I’m being taken care of,” she assured him.

“So was this the first time?” he asked. Lavellan wanted to sink underneath the water. Or drown Dorian in it.

“How many times do I have to say-”

“My darling, please entertain me. It’s all I have.”

“I will splash all of this water on your fancy silk robes,” she whispered. He shook his head.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Are you feeling adventurous?”

“I’m not even asking for the important details, I just-”

“Don’t test me, Dorian.”

“You’ll tell me nothing, truly?” He stood. “I thought we were best friends.”

“Is that the card you’re going to play?” she asked, leaning against the side of the tub, her arms resting folded on the lip.

“Did you take your hair down for him, at least?” Dorian asked, sitting back down. 

“What?”

“Your hair is always up. I bet only a handful of people in this entire Inquisition have seen your hair down, and I’m not even one of them.” 

Lavellan reached a hand back to where her hair was in a tight bun. A good suggestion. The number of people who had seen it down were probably countable on one hand.

“It’s not safe to have long hair when you shoot fire from your fingertips,” she joked. “But thank you, I’ll do that.”

Dorian’s expression softened. “Look. I’m happy for you. He seemed a tough one to crack, and he looks happy.”

“I think he is,” she whispered, her smile soft. 

“Too bad about the mana thing, though.”

She sighed. “Do you know what I _do_ appreciate about the fact that he doesn’t have mana? He shows me his emotions in his face. The truth in his eyes is real. He hasn’t lied to me once. I trust him.”

Dorian nodded. “Good.” He leaned forward and kissed her wet nose, his moustache tickling her. “I’ll leave you to your bath, I just wanted to make sure everything went well.”

She knew Cullen would be annoyed if he knew she told, but this was Dorian. 

“His stamina is admirable.”

“Oh?” Dorian asked, both eyebrows raised.

“I’ll tell you no more than that.”

Dorian’s surprised expression melted into a smirk and he crossed his arms over his chest. “I can see the bragging rights on the corner of your mouth, out with it.”

Her grin was sly, her cheeks still red. “I came twice.”

“Maker have mercy, _that’s_ why he’s whistling,” Dorian breathed. “I’d say it went better than planned.”

“It did, and will get even better with time and plenty of practice,” she said with a grin, placing her folded washcloth over her eyes. She heard Dorian’s smile.

“That’s my girl.”

\---


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Cullen and Lavellan have some realizations, and Lavellan goes to make an offering to her gods.

_I am yours._  
_Don’t give myself back to me._  
\- Rumi (via wordsnquotes)

“I thought you should know that I received a letter from my sister Mia,” Cullen said, his smile soft as Lavellan walked into his office later that evening.

“...You wrote to her?” she asked, raising an eyebrow. 

He nodded. “I did. Would you like to hear what she said?” 

“Read it to me,” Lavellan insisted. 

Cullen cleared his throat. “Dear big brother,” he grinned. “Rosalie and I are absolutely thrilled, not only to receive a letter from you (for once, how difficult was that?) but to hear of all the exciting things you’ve been up to. I didn’t expect such a detailed letter from you, especially considering the last time you wrote it was a simple “I’m alive, I miss you all”. 

“I am over the moon over your news. I have heard stories about the Lady Inquisitor and her band of misfits, knowing little other than you’re their commander or something, but… You managed to convince her to fall for you? Big brother, I’m impressed. You must have grown into quite the strong, confident man. I’m proud of you.”

Cullen cleared his throat and Lavellan pretended not to notice the blush in his cheeks, the mistiness in his eyes. 

“If you ever have a quiet moment, please come visit us, and bring the Inquisitor with you. We’d love to meet her. Take care of yourself. We miss you. Love, Mia.”

Cullen looked up at Lavellan and smiled faintly. 

She just returned his smile and shook her head. “What did you say about me?”

“Hmm?”

“That was some glowing praise. You must have said some nice things about me.”

“I just...no, nothing really.”

“Don’t lie to me, Commander.” She grinned, rounding the desk to where he sat. He swallowed nervously.

“I may have mentioned that you’re beautiful and strong, brave. That sort of thing.”

“I hate to be a stick in the mud,” she murmured, lowering herself onto his lap and putting her arms around his neck. “But did you happen to leave out the fact that not only am I a mage, but also a Dalish elf?” 

“It’s irrelevant,” Cullen said. 

“You left home to become a Templar.”

“They’ll find out when they meet you.”

“Will they be angry?”

“Surprised, maybe.” He put a hand on her waist and stroked her cheek with his other hand. “I didn’t expect to fall for you. It happened without my permission.”

“Love does that,” Lavellan explained with a giggle. 

Cullen paused at her use of the word, but recovered quickly, his smile gentle.

“It...yes. Yes it does.” He sighed. “I struggled for a long time with my feelings for you, arguing that you were a mage, that it was a conflict of interest, of what I knew. But it didn’t matter.”

“Good thing you don’t listen to your instincts when it comes to romance, then?” she asked. 

He chuckled, leaning up to kiss her forehead. “Good thing.”

\--

“You should tell him,” Cole said, surprising Lavellan as they walked through the recently liberated Emprise du Lions. 

Lavellan glanced back at him, and then to Cassandra, who raised an eyebrow. 

“You should tell Cullen that you love him,” Cole elaborated. 

Lavellan snorted, amused. “Good thing we’re all caught up, thank you Cole.”

“But you do, I can feel it in your heart,” the boy protested. He clenched his fists in frustration.

Cassandra laughed. “Cullen has loved her for a long time, Cole. Love is complicated. Perhaps he hasn’t told _her_ , and she doesn’t want to scare him. Perhaps she didn’t realize until you told her just now.”

Cole huffed. “Love doesn’t have to be complicated. Solas loved her and didn’t say it for a long time, when he should have. He still loved her when he left. Cullen loves her, why doesn’t he tell her? Why don’t they tell each other? They would both be so much stronger.”

Cassandra sighed and stopped walking. “You’re right. But sometimes people are afraid to tell others they love them because they’re afraid of being hurt.”

“But why, when they both feel the same?”

“We don’t all have the ability to feel other peoples’ emotions like you do,” she explained softly.

“You loved Regalyan.”

“Cole-”

“You think about him all the time. You never told him. Why?”

“I have some regrets. I don’t want to talk about him,” Cassandra said, her brow furrowing slightly. 

Cole recognized the tone in her voice and turned to Lavellan, who was watching him carefully. 

She squeezed his hand and shivered as the snow fell around them in light flurries. “The last time I let myself fall truly in love with someone… You remember what happened, Cole. I still haven’t recovered from that. Cullen knows it too. Maybe we can love each other without saying it.”

“You don’t believe that,” Cole whispered. “And neither does he.”

Cassandra sighed. “Inquisitor, I can’t believe what I’m about to say, but Cole’s right.”

Lavellan nodded. “...I know.”

\--

In the weeks that followed, Lavellan found herself spending the night in Cullen’s room more often than her own. She liked having the company, she liked not being in her room where the Veil was so thin, and Cullen was warm, even if he did twitch and kick from his dreams which continued to bother him every other night. 

That night she slept soundly, Cullen’s body curled around her back, his breathing soft against her ear while she dreamed of flowers growing amongst the trees, the birds singing from the high branches.

She awoke to Cullen screaming and thrashing about, his kicking only made wilder as he tangled himself further in the bedclothes. 

Lavellan managed to secure his flailing arms and put her hands on his face, calling his name until he seemed able to focus on her. “Seron?” he asked, his voice small. She nodded and he seemed to crumble, wrapping his arms around her while she murmured soothing things into his ear.

“What did you see?” she asked a few minutes later after his breathing had slowed, stroking his hair, kissing his sweaty forehead. He buried his face under her chin, forehead against her collarbone. 

“Death,” he whispered. “It’s always old friends dying… But this time you were there.” 

“I was?” she asked. She felt him nod, his hands shaking where they were pressed against her back. 

“Your eyes were open, looking up at me… And my sword was red...with your blood. I’d killed you.”

“Cullen…”

“You were using blood magic.” He paused and his fingers tightened against her skin. “And Cole was a demon, and he’d possessed you, and-” 

“Shh, it was just a dream, love. You know Cole isn’t a demon.” She continued to stroke his hair, noticing Cole on the ledge of the open window. She shook her head. ‘It’s fine,’ she mouthed to Cole. He nodded and disappeared.

Lavellan unwrapped herself from Cullen’s tight embrace and went to work untangling him from the sheet and settling it back over him. “I’ll be right back, alright?” she whispered, placing a soft kiss on his knuckles before setting his hand down on his chest. She reached for the closest piece of clothing she could find on the floor - his white tunic he wore for sleeping - and pulled it over her head, descending the ladder to find him something to drink. He kept wine in a small cupboard by his desk ‘for emergencies’ but she knew those emergencies were more like ‘for headaches’, and ‘annoying scouts’. She grabbed a bottle and a mug and climbed back up the ladder.

Cullen lay on his back, motionless, his arm draped over his eyes. He turned his head to look at her when he felt the bed move under her weight as she sat next to him.

“I’ve brought you some wine to calm you,” she explained. “Sit up, I’ll pour you some.”

He let out a deep sigh. “I hate how powerless I feel.”

She took a sip of the wine and then handed the rest to him. 

“What were you thinking about before bed that could have triggered blood magic in your dream?”

His cheeks darkened and he drained the mug of wine and held it out for more. 

A second mug down and he cleared his throat. “I worry sometimes.” 

“Because I’m Dalish and didn’t have a Harrowing?” She raised her eyebrow. “Cullen, my Keeper taught me well.”

Cullen shook his head. “I told you, I’ve...seen things. Demon possessions. Massacres. If the Grand Enchanter in Kirkwall wasn’t safe, then... I would die if I had to see that happen to you. You’ve become too important to me.” He met her eyes, set the mug down next to him and reached for her hands. 

She scooted closer to him and squeezed his hands. They sat in silence for a moment before Cullen sighed. 

“I don’t think I will be able to go back to sleep. Perhaps I should try to get some work done,” he murmured. Lavellan shook her head. 

“Nonsense. You’re haunted by old ghosts, you won’t be able to focus.”

“So I should focus on something else, like how beautiful you look in the moonlight with your hair down while you’re wearing _my_ nightshirt?”

“Yes, exactly.”

He chuckled. “The wine is helping, and I appear to no longer be shaking, so I suppose that’s an option.”

“I could hold you and tell you how handsome you are,” she suggested. He laughed openly, moving the mug to the floor and reaching for her. 

“You are full of excellent ideas.”

She straddled his lap and put her arms around his neck. “Are you going to be alright?”

“I have you in my lap, in _my clothes_ , do you think I’ll survive?”

“Probably not,” she said with a giggle before kissing the tip of his nose.

His smile faded and he studied her face, his frown slight. 

“What is it?” she whispered. His eyes were full of an emotion she didn’t quite recognize on him.

“I love you,” he murmured. “I don’t know why I haven’t told you.”

She smiled softly and kissed him. “I love you, too. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner, but I think I only realized when you were reading that letter from your sister to me.”

He chuckled. “Look at us. Excellent at war, hopeless in love.”

“Not entirely hopeless,” Lavellan laughed. “I think we might be okay.”

His smile filled her heart. “I think so too.” 

Up on the roof, next to the hole in Cullen’s ceiling, Cole smiled from where he sat, then he vanished to give them some privacy.

\---

 

“So explain to me why I’m here,” Cassandra asked, hands on her hips as Lavellan unpacked her travel bag. They had traveled half a day towards the ruins of Haven and Lavellan had insisted they travel a bit further to find some trees.

Lavellan sighed and glanced at Cole who was pacing nearby. “I needed to come make an offering to…my gods, and Cullen didn’t feel right letting me go with just Cole. He’s overreacting, as usual, so I told him I’d bring you to protect me.” Lavellan sighed, shrugging. 

“Cassandra, if I’m being honest I don’t actually need you here, but it makes him feel more at ease knowing you’re here just in case.”

“In case what? You’re the Inquisitor and a very powerful mage.”

“We’re talking about Cullen, and he’s worried because I’m making offerings to ‘pagan gods’, and could ‘potentially get possessed.’ Humor him?” Lavellan pulled incense out of her bag and set it up next to the rock she’d set out her things against. 

“So what does this offering entail?” Cassandra asked, crouching next to Lavellan.

“Well, I’ll burn incense, offer some food, say some prayers… What do you do when you pray to Andraste?” Lavellan asked, glancing at her friend.

Cassandra’s eyes were guarded. “How do you know the elven gods are listening?”

“How do you know Andraste’s listening?” Lavellan replied softly. She reached over and squeezed Cassandra’s knee. “I know we have different beliefs, but I thank you for agreeing to come with me. It means a lot.”

“Cullen _is_ overreacting,” Cassandra muttered. “I will give you some privacy, my friend. Call for me if you need me.”

“Thank you,” Lavellan said. “I mean it.”

Cassandra’s cheeks reddened. “It is nothing.”

Just out of earshot, Cole waited, sitting on a rock beneath a tree. Cassandra decided to join him. 

“What do you think of all of this?” Cassandra asked. 

Cole glanced at her. “You are both right,” he replied softly. “Andraste, the elven gods. They are all listening.”

Cassandra paused. “...What?”

Cole’s expression changed from soft and peaceful to sharp concentration. “Please, I must listen to Seron’s prayers.”

Cassandra looked over at Lavellan who knelt at the base of the large rock where she’d made a small altar, and watched as she cast magic around herself. First, a barrier, and then various runes. Cole watched intently.

Cassandra narrowed her eyes and glanced at Cole. “Do you know what she’s doing?”

Cole didn’t look away from Lavellan. “Yes.”

Cassandra figured it best to keep her questions to a minimum and scanned the perimeter for danger.

Lavellan’s head was bowed for a long time, magic crackling in a circle around her as the incense smoke burned. 

Cassandra was watching the trees above when she heard Cole take in a sharp gasp of breath. She stood, hand on her sword. “What is it?”

“Someone has appeared to her,” Cole said.

“One of her gods?” Cassandra asked, glancing over to where Lavellan knelt. Above her, at the top of the rock, was a slight shimmering. 

“I do not know the names of the gods she prays to,” Cassandra said. 

“She came to make an offering to him, I didn’t think he’d actually come,” Cole whispered.

“Who has appeared to her? Is she safe?” Cassandra’s hand wrapped around the hilt of her sword.

“She is safe. He will not hurt her.”

Cassandra shook her head. “He… Do you know him?”

“Yes.”

“So there _are_ other gods besides the Maker?” Cassandra asked, her eyes full of questions, but her face holding her stare firm.

“There are gods who walk among us,” Cole said.

“Did...do you know him?”

“It is one of the Elvhen.” Cole sighed. “You know of him as Fen’Harel.”

“The Trickster god?” Cassandra asked. “You see him now?”

“I have always seen him,” Cole stated softly, eyes sad.

“In the Fade?” Cassandra asked carefully, frowning. 

Cole started and glanced at the shimmering light in the trees. He nodded slightly as if receiving a message. “Yes.” 

“Do you promise the Inquisitor is safe?”

Cole turned to Cassandra and nodded. “Fen’Harel would never harm her, despite what the stories might suggest.”

Cassandra released her sword. “I will try to believe you. Watch her carefully.”

“Please trust me,” Cole whispered. Cassandra didn’t know if he was speaking to her, or to Fen’Harel.

“Does she see him, do you think?” Cassandra asked softly.

Cole wrung his hands together. “If she opens her eyes, perhaps. But I wonder what she will see. Would she see him as I see him now, in his true form, full of glory?” Cole sighed. “Seron, open your eyes…”

“Would...he show himself to her?” Cassandra asked. “Does she know he’s there?”

“She is in a sort of trance,” Cole murmured. “I won’t disturb her. She’s deep into her prayers.”

Cole’s eyes were full of tears and Cassandra wanted to ask him why.

“Why... did you make me forget?” Cole whispered in the direction of the shimmering.

Cassandra thought for a moment she saw the outline of a person. A man, no, an elf, seated under a shroud of furs, a staff in his hands. 

“Fen’Harel made you forget something? What did he make you forget?” Cassandra asked, realizing that was probably a stupid question. But it was enough to cause Cole’s tears to fall. 

“ _In another world,_ ” Cole whispered. “ _Why not this one?_ ”

Cole began shaking and Cassandra wrapped her hand around her sword. “Cole, are you alright?”

“Please,” Cole begged. “I don’t want to forget. I can’t forget.”

Cassandra touched Cole’s arm. “Cole, you’re making me nervous.”

Lavellan lifted her face to the shimmering, her cheeks streaked with tears as she opened her eyes. “Forgive me,” she whispered, before the runes disappeared and her barrier fell.

Cassandra was at her side in an instant as Lavellan slumped to the ground.

“Inquisitor! Are you alright?” 

Lavellan leaned into Cassandra’s grip and shook her head. “I’m...just a little weak.”

“What...was that?”

Lavellan sighed, resting her head against Cassandra’s shoulder for a brief moment to catch her breath. 

“Freedom, I think. I...came to make an offering to Fen’Harel. I wanted to ask him to watch over Solas so I can...stop thinking about him. So I can let him go.”

Unsure how to respond, Cassandra glanced up and noticed the shimmering had vanished. They were alone once more.

With Cassandra’s help, Lavellan stood to her feet and glanced back at her offerings. She looked at her warrior friend, her eyebrows knitted with concern.

“Please don’t tell Cullen.”

Cassandra nodded. “I understand.”

Cole remained at the tree, his knees drawn up to his chest as he trembled. 

“Don’t make me choose between you,” he whispered.

 

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> For ease of explanation, let's pretend that Cole's mind didn't fully 'forget' Solas after the Corypheus battle when you visit him and he's channeling Solas.


	8. Chapter 8

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lavellan makes a stupid decision.

_I’ll never stop caring. But the thing about caring is, it’s inconvenient. Sometimes you’ve got to give when it makes no sense to at all. Sometimes you’ve got to give until it hurts._  
\- Jonathan Evison, The Revised Fundamentals of Caregiving (via wordsnquotes)

Cullen’s hand was on the small of her back as they went over a mission on the war table days later. His smile was soft as they discussed strategy, not paying much attention to their surroundings. 

Leliana was writing a report when one of her scouts burst into the room. 

“Inquisitor! Oh, thank the Maker you’re all here.” The scout was out of breath.

“What’s going on?” Lavellan asked, frowning. “Are you alright?”

“Inquisitor, that is - We’ve… We found him.”

Lavellan didn’t see Cullen close his eyes, didn’t see the color drain from his face. She didn’t see Leliana look at Cullen immediately for his reaction, didn’t hear Josephine gasp. 

“...Where?”

“The Hissing Wastes. Scouts reported saying he’s set up camp there.”

Cullen sat down on a stool, saying nothing. Lavellan still hadn’t moved, the spot on her back cooling where Cullen’s hand had been moments prior.

“I, uh…” Lavellan turned to her advisors, her eyes wide. “What should I do?”

“Nothing immediately, you should think about this. It might be a trap.” Leliana frowned and glanced back at Cullen, whose head hung low, his hands in fists on his thighs. 

Lavellan splayed her fingers over the war table to steady herself. “What if it’s not a trap? He left immediately after we defeated Corypheus. He owes us some answers.” 

“Perhaps you should send Cole,” Leliana suggested. 

“At least he’ll get the truth from Solas,” Cullen breathed. Lavellan startled, like she’d forgotten Cullen was behind her. “I...yes. Cole should come too.” She paused and reached for his sleeve. “Come with me, please.”

He forced himself to meet her eyes. “I really don’t think that’s appropriate, Seron.”

His use of her first name in front of the others was like a slap in the face.

She nodded. “I...need to think about this.” She left the room, clearly shaken, and Cullen waited for Leliana to start yelling at him.

As soon as the door to the war room was closed behind Lavellan, Leliana cursed.

“You must be joking. You’re not going to fight for her at all!?”

Cullen turned to her, frowning. “I’m sorry, was this matter your business?”

“For the good of Skyhold, it is all of our business.”

Josephine worried her lower lip while she watched them argue, knowing best to keep out of this one.

“You’ve been pining for her since you met her and you finally get her, and she _loves you_ for some reason only the Maker must know, and you’re just letting her walk away!” Leliana slammed her hands on the war table, the metal pieces shaking, a couple of them falling over.

“This isn’t my battle, Leliana!” he shouted, standing to his feet. 

“At the very least, if you’d been paying attention to someone other than yourself, she was scared. She wants you to go with her. You can still catch up to her if you go now.”

Cullen sighed, deflating. “Leliana, please understand where I’m coming from.” He curled his hands back into fists and braced himself on the war table’s edge. “I’ve been...comparing myself to him since the moment I knew she’d chosen him instead. When he left after the battle, Maker help me, I was _happy._ But then I saw how miserable she was. And for almost a year, I hoped she would smile again, but she didn’t. And then she started to.” He looked up at Leliana and his eyes were shiny with emotion. “And you know why? Because of _me_. Do you know how that feels? Now he might be back, and all those old wounds have been ripped open. She and I have made so much growth together. She’s helped me deal with...everything that happened to me in the Circle, and -” His voice broke and he bowed his head, unable to continue.

Leliana sighed. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”

Josephine shifted uncomfortably. “I’m sorry to interrupt, but I’m dreadfully curious about what’s going on. Can we at least try to find out?”

Cullen shook his head. “Leave me, I don’t want to be a part of this.”

Leliana glanced back at him as she stood in the doorway. “Are you going to be alright?” 

“I don’t know.”

Leliana nodded. “I’ll send Cassandra.”

Cullen smiled wryly, despite himself. “How did you know?”

“I should think we know each other a little bit, Commander. Try not to drown in despair. I’ll go see what’s going on.”

 

\--

“The Inquisitor has gone to the Hissing Wastes.”

Simple words, which, on a normal day wouldn’t have made a difference but now it hit him like a sack filled with rocks. She’d left without telling him. She’d left on a lead to find _Solas._

And so he tried to focus on his work. It was hard, at first, to focus on paperwork that didn’t interest him. Leliana sent ravens to keep an eye on the Inquisitor, who had taken the Iron Bull, Cole and Sera with her. Like she’d known leaving Cassandra behind to quell the rage it would instill in Cullen was a good idea.

So Cullen drank alone by the fire every night for almost a month, angry, until Cassandra couldn’t take it anymore. She took his ale from him and replaced it with a mug of tea.

Cassandra didn’t make him feel better, but she didn’t make him feel worse. They sat in Josephine’s study, side by side, staring at the fire, each with a steaming mug of tea. Cassandra didn’t say anything, and he appreciated that. She was a good friend to him, knowing when he needed silence, and when he needed a good punch in the face.

She’d given him both on many occasions. She was close to punching him again.

The door opened behind them, and Cassandra turned to see Lavellan coming through the door. Cassandra took that as her cue to leave and stood up, taking Cullen’s mug from his hands. “Remember to think before you speak,” she murmured as she walked away.

“It’s good to see you returned safely, my friend,” Cassandra said in passing. Lavellan offered a hint of a smile to her friend and glanced at Cullen, who hadn’t turned to greet her. Cassandra shook her head. 

“Whatever he says, he doesn’t mean it,” Cassandra whispered. Lavellan paused. Cassandra offered a faint smile and nodded as she left the room, closing the door behind her.

Lavellan approached the couch and hesitated before sitting down. Cullen willed himself to look at her. She’d been crying. Suddenly, every ounce of fight he had in him dissipated. He’d had every intention of starting an argument, of yelling at her until she understood what she’d made him feel over the last month. But then he saw her tear-stained cheeks and how exhausted she looked. He resisted the urge to gather her into his arms and comfort her. This wasn’t the time.

“Hi,” she whispered. 

He said nothing.

“The trail was cold. He might not have been there at all.” She leaned back against the couch, turning her gaze to the fireplace. “So in the end, it turned out to be a huge waste of time. I suppose I’m not surprised. Or, I shouldn’t be.”

“You’ve been crying,” Cullen said softly, turning to her. Her resolve broke and tears poured anew. 

“I was just speaking with Cole.”

“Oh?”

“He told me that… Solas knows what’s happening here, that they’ve spoken in the Fade. Solas came to him earlier. He wants Cole to join him.” She took a deep breath and it shuddered as it left her. “Also, he wishes you good health. He says you are a good man. He...says that when he sees me in the Fade, I am smiling.”

After a long moment of silence, Cullen sighed. “What am I to make of all of this?” he asked. 

“What do you mean?”

“He’s sent word through your closest companion, knowing that it would upset you, offered to take him away from you, and then tells you that he approves of your new lover?”

“Cullen, don’t be like that.”

“How should I be, then? How long did you spend crying over this man, who _would have known_ and he decides it’s a good idea to just tell Cole to tell you all of these things? This doesn’t help you move on.”

“You’ve helped me move on,” she whispered. “Cullen, please stop comparing yourself to him. You’re different people. You aren’t him, nor are you his replacement. You’re your own person, and I love you.”

“You loved him too, once.”

“Really, is that what this is about?” 

He scowled, and she couldn’t help but laugh. 

“Why are you still jealous of a man who is no longer in my life?” she whispered, reaching out to touch his face. He moved away, just out of her reach and she scoffed. “You’re being a child.”

“Am I?” he muttered. “Seron, you can say it all you want, tell me that I’m not his replacement, but I _see_ the sadness in your face sometimes when you think I’m not looking. I’m not him, I’ll never _be_ him. I get that. And I think I’m finally okay with it. And then you hear that he might have been spotted and you... _left me_ , you _ran to him_ without telling me and now I don’t know what to think. It’s...wearing on me a great deal.”

“Cullen…” _Don’t do this…_

“I’m sorry. I just...need to think.” 

“Cullen, don’t -”

He stood up, not looking at her. “I’m glad you’re safe, but I’ll talk to you later, alright?”

“Wait-”

“Goodnight, Inquisitor.”

There it was. He left the room and closed the door behind him with a soft click, which was somehow worse than slamming it.

She didn’t know how she made it back to her room but she fell asleep, cold and alone in her own bed, not even stirring when Cole tucked the blankets around her. 

“I’m not leaving,” he whispered to her, kissing her forehead like she’d done for him so many times. “Not while you still need me.”

 

\--

Alone in his bed for the first time in awhile, despite Lavellan having returned, Cullen lay awake, staring at the wall. He couldn’t sleep if he tried. If he looked across Skyhold, he would have seen the candles still flickering in her window. 

Instead, he was startled as there was a knock on his window frame. “Who-?” he wondered out loud, and saw Cole come in over the ledge.

“I need to tell you something,” Cole said, hurrying to Cullen’s side. 

“What is it? Is it Seron? Is she alright?”

“She’s asleep. But I will tell you now while she rests. She’s hurting. It’s hard to heal while you hurt, and Solas doesn’t think of that, even though he thinks of her all the time.”

Cullen shook his head. “I don’t want to hear this, Cole -”

“Listen, please, listen!” Cole insisted. “She loves you. She didn’t think she could but it happened and she says it’s your eyes, that they’ve never judged her, always loved her, warm, willing, waiting. She doesn’t want to lose you, too.”

“Will you go to Solas?” Cullen asked, his heart tight in his chest. 

“I want to. But she needs me more.” Cole examined his hands. “She has taught me everything about how to be human so I can fit in, and yet… I have so much to learn.”

Cullen sighed. “I think it’s you who’s taught _her_ a great deal more.”

Cole paused. “Thank you for talking with me. You look at me and you used to think, darkness, demon, despair. But now you think of her.”

“I see all that you’ve done for her. I didn’t know spirits could love.”

“What is love if not caring for others more than yourself?” Cole asked. Cullen smiled softly as Cole disappeared.


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Seron and Cullen reconcile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know some of you are angry she left.
> 
> ...Keep reading and see what happens.

_I am letting you go. Slowly but surely I am, and as I let you go, I am healing too. The void that was created when you left no longer screams out in the abyss demanding to be hurt and noticed. It now merely exists and is nothing but a gaping hole, quietly hoping for your return to fill it._  
\- insurmountablewaves (via wnq-writers)

 

Cullen spent the rest of the day in his office, hoping Lavellan wouldn’t come see him. He wasn’t ready to see her.

The talk with Cole had helped, and in the few moments he’d taken to himself to walk the ramparts, he saw her in the grove, weaving something else for Cole to wear on his head. He wanted to talk to her, but knew he needed the day to gather his words.

By the evening she still hadn’t come to him and he was nervous. What if he’d chased her away for good? Did he need to go to her? What if, what if-? 

He paced in front of his desk, wringing his hands together. He needed to talk to her. He needed to apologize for being so hard on her.

The knock on his door was soft and he knew that it was her.

She opened the door and poked her head in. “Hey. Can I...talk to you?”

He leaned against his desk and let out a sigh of relief. “Please,” he breathed.

She closed the door softly behind her and approached him, stepping just out of his personal space, wanting so badly to hug him, to beg him to forgive her, but knew she had to speak first or it wouldn’t come out at all.

“I’m sorry I didn’t tell you. I’m sorry I went on the mission without you. I wish I could have told you about it but I knew you wouldn’t understand. Or at least, I thought you wouldn’t. That was selfish of me. I’m sorry. I should have told you. I should have brought you with me.”

He nodded, his lips pressed firmly together. 

She reached for his hands and squeezed them lightly. “I did love him. But now I don’t. He will always be special to me. But that is in the past. You are my present. Please understand that. I made an error in judgement. It was a mistake. Leliana warned me not to go, and I didn’t listen to her. I didn’t think about how my leaving would affect you. I’m sorry.”

Cullen pulled her by her hands until she was in his space. “I have loved you since Haven,” he breathed, resting his forehead against hers. “I’m in no way ready to give you up.” He paused. “I’m sorry for being so angry with you. I had no right to be.” 

She wrapped her arms around his waist and sighed. “You’re the stability I need in my life. I love you. Please forgive me.”

He kissed the top of her head. “If you hear word of him again you’re to tell me immediately, alright?”

She nodded. They stood together, embracing in silence, until the sun went down. 

\--  
Darkness fell and he found her leading him by the hand through the main hall of Skyhold, past the throne, to the little door - her private quarters.

“Wait, are you… Are you sure?” he stopped her at the door and she turned, frowning.

“Absolutely. Come upstairs.” 

“But -”

“If you don’t want to,” she started. 

He shook his head. “I just...wondered why you chose your room.”

“To prove to you he no longer has any hold on me.” She reached for Cullen’s other hand. “Please. At least sleep next to me.”

He studied her face for a long moment before nodding. They walked up to her room in silence, and Cullen looked around her room in awe when they reached it. She smiled at him and gestured for him to look around, and he took his time studying the things on her desk, the various keepsakes she’d collected during her travels. 

The fireplace was lit, casting the room in a soft glow. She sat on her bed and watched him study the room, eventually stopping at the balcony, leaning against it to look at the mountains.

“You have the best view,” he murmured. He wasn’t moving from the balcony. 

She wished he would. She didn’t want to kiss him there. She didn’t want to recreate it. But if she did, would it cover the feeling of being on that balcony with Solas? The first time he’d kissed her that _hadn’t_ been in the Fade? Where he’d told her he loved her?

She shook her head and walked toward him. “What’s on your mind?” she asked softly, slipping her fingers through his and holding tight to quell the shaking of her own hands. 

“I’m a little nervous to be in here, to be honest. You’ve always come to my room. This is like… it’s serious.”

“It’s always been serious, Cullen. I’m not playing around with you.” Lavellan frowned. “Why would you say that?”

“I have a lot of voices in my head telling me this is only temporary. They all stem from the lyrium, but sometimes I wonder if they’re telling the truth.” 

Lavellan sighed. “Come with me,” she whispered. She led him to the bed and sat him down, reaching for his furs, removing his chestplate. “I brought you here so you would understand the gravity of my love, of the promises I’ve made to you. I’ve been so afraid to bring you up here because even _being_ in this room stirs up memories I can’t shake. But I want to replace them with new ones. With you.”

Cullen reached for her hands as they started on the braces on his arms. “Seron.”

He was surprised to see tears on her cheeks. 

“Please, Cullen.” She put her hands on the sides of his face, cupping his jaw as she leaned her forehead against his. “I need to feel your arms around me.”

He closed his eyes. “It’s been over a month, you think I would deny you now?” he whispered, the hint of a laugh under the strained tone of his voice. 

“You’re used to waiting,” she teased softly.

He lifted himself out of her grip and carried on where she had stopped, removing the pieces of his armor. He reached for his undershirt but she stopped him and he had to smile, even if only faintly. His armor was complicated, but the intent was clear - She wanted to be the one to undress him.

She pulled his undershirt over his head, her eyes never breaking contact with his as they undressed each other slowly, still not speaking, barely touching save for light fingers over skin as they worked. 

Cullen put his arms around her waist. “Come up onto the bed with me.” She glanced at the pillows and let out a deep breath. 

“I don’t know why I’m nervous, it’s my own bed…” Her hands were trembling.

“Yes, you do,” he murmured, sliding back into the pillows and reaching for her hands to help her up next to him. 

“I think I was less nervous the first time we were together,” she said with a slight chuckle. Cullen wrapped his arms around her waist and held her against him, breathing deeply.

“You are correct, as I was definitely more nervous than you that time,” he said softly. “You have one rule tonight, my darling.”

“Hmm?”

“Stay with me.” He touched the middle of her forehead with his index finger lightly. “Up here,” and, moving his finger to her chest, over her heart, “And in here.”

She nodded. “I promise,” she whispered, leaning forward to (thank the Maker) _finally_ kiss him.

 

\--

 

He lingered in the open balcony doorway, still amused that she couldn’t sleep without the fresh air. Sure, she’d gotten used to a lot of the luxuries the Inquisition had provided, like her bed, and shoes, but fresh air was comforting to her. She was used to being outside.

He stepped just inside enough to be out of the chill, and saw her, asleep, her face bare _because of him,_ relaxed as she slept, breathing softly. Next to her, the blond ex-Templar lay asleep, his arm draped over her waist, his face at peace. Solas never realized that Cullen could be handsome, as he always looked so concerned when he was awake, but now, lying next to Seron, peaceful, Solas could understand why she’d fallen for him. He was different to Solas. In where Solas was mysterious and wise, Cullen was strong and reliable. Predictable. A good man. 

But still. This was more important. Solas needed her help. The People needed her help.

Walking across the floor, his feet made no noise as he approached her bedside, stepping around the pieces of armor and various articles of clothing that littered the floor. He wanted to feel jealous, but instead he was proud of her, having always encouraged her in her pleasure. 

His mana greeted hers with familiarity and he watched her stir, feeling guilt swell in his chest. He should have better control over himself around her. Admiring the very sight of her, her body only partially covered by the sheet, her hair splayed over the pillow and Cullen’s arm, Solas knelt next to her and watched her breathe for a few more moments before placing his hand over her mouth. 

Her eyes snapped open and she saw him, her eyes registering him before she could make a sound and he knew she would remain silent. Still, he held a finger to his lips.

“Vhenan,” he whispered.

\---

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you SO much for sticking with me for the entire thing. <3 
> 
> I really, really appreciate it. I started this fic as just a fun little drabble thing because I loved Solas, but I also wanted to romance Cullen, so my brain thought "Why not both?" and carried on with it.
> 
> A few months ago when I'd only written the first half, I had NO idea how to end it, and it looked a lot different than it does now. I'm thankful for TCRegan who gave me plenty of ideas and suggestions on how to end it that made sense and was still interesting. XD


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